HOW SIX YEARS OF SELF PORTRAITS CHANGED ME

As a professional photographer, I have always been more comfortable behind the camera. Six years ago, in an effort to break away from my discomfort, I started a tradition of taking a self-portrait around my birthday. Little did I know that this practice would become a deeply emotional and meaningful way for me to connect with myself.

At the same time, this practice has made me a better professional boudoir photographer.

2018. My first self-portrait.

Each year, as my February birthday approaches, I start to think about the past year and the experiences that have shaped me. I reflect on my accomplishments, my challenges, and the lessons I have learned. Then, a few days before my birthday, I prop my camera on a tripod, set the self-timer and take a self-portrait.

2019.

At first, taking a self-portrait felt uncomfortable and exhausting. I always made sure to hide my body by photographing from my waist up only. Since black is my favorite color, a black top it is. I never wanted anyone to notice how short or curvy I was. As I continued this practice year after year, it felt a little easier and comfortable.

I learned to embrace my insecurities with tenderness, my so-called flaws and appreciate the unique qualities that make me who I am. With each self-portrait, I became more connected to myself and body.

2020: My rock bottom.

There have been times when taking a self-portrait felt incredibly difficult. Particularly my 2020 self-portrait. Five months before taking this photo, my entire world came crashing down. You can’t tell, but I had hit my rock bottom.

My 11 year relationship had ended and I’d lost everything that defined my life up until that point. I lost my home, my bed, the life me and my ex partner had created, friendships and was had no other choice but to start over. I was sleeping in a tiny makeshift bedroom that my sweet father boarded up for me with sheetrock. All I had left were my clothes, my camera equipment and few boxes.

I felt gutted, empty and lost. I felt ashamed. How could this possibly happen to an almost 40-year old woman like myself?

The idea of documenting myself during this time felt like a job that I did not want to do. But it was during this time that the practice became even more significant. By taking a self-portrait, I was reminding myself that I was still here, still fighting, and still growing. I was not giving up on myself or the life I deserved.

I did not give up. This self-portrait and the rest serve as proof of that.

2021: Comfortable with my body.

2021: Natural hair and full body.

Looking back at each self-portrait I have taken over the years, I am overwhelmed by the emotions they evoke. Each portrait represents a moment in time, a snapshot of my journey and growth. There has been so much growth since my very first self-portrait. You can see it by looking through them. I can see the joy and love during moments of triumph, as well as the pain and heartbreak. With each portrait, I am reminded of my resilience, my strength, and my ability to keep going as a proud immigrant woman of color.

2022: Coming home to myself after two years of hard work, therapy and healing.

These self-portraits have taught me to embrace my ‘flaws’ and to accept my body just the way it is. I can honestly say that I accept myself. I feel love, respect and appreciation for my body. I am thankful for every dimple that fills my butt, every stretch mark wrapped around my curvy hips. A self-loving journey that has taken years, hard work, healing and patience, but the end result is worth it.

This is not to say I do not struggle with my confidence anymore. Occasionally, I do. I am human. When I find myself cringing at my own reflection, I remind myself of all that she has been through. Everything this body has carried me through. Slowly filling up my cup with grace and love.

The journey of self-acceptance is never ending. Especially as my physical appearance evolves with age.

2022: Loving my curves.

2022.

Taking self-portraits every year on my birthday has been a vulnerable and emotional experience for me. It has allowed me to explore my sensuality, sexuality and celebrate my body in a way that I never thought possible. As a boudoir photographer, this practice has also helped me connect with my clients on a deeper level. A practice that I’ll continue for as long as I am able to walk back and forth while my camera rests on a tripod.

Plus, the best part of this practice is that my friends, nieces, nephews and all loved ones will have incredible photos to remember me by. I will not be forgotten.